Heart strings.

    What's today? What's on my mind? As usual, SO much! In a few days, it will have been 5 months since Robert and I have spoken. It's getting easier. I think. My relationship ended with Robert the day we broke up, what tormented me was his decision to give up on our son. I tried, I made the effort, knowing how much him and I did not get along and we NEVER saw eye to eye, I put it all aside, I could do that because I thought it was important for Oliver. Nonetheless, Robert simply stated, "I want out, I don't want anything to do with this. I might change my mind in the future but right now, I can't. If you need anything though..."

   "If you need anything let me know." So I'll be sure to move and change my phone number, you know just so I can be available to you in your time of need. COWARD. That is one of the words I will be using in describing my ex, that and SELFISH. However, I do my best to not talk negatively about Robert, I leave that to my friends and family! I choose to be very careful with that because I do not want to fuel anger or animosity, I choose to not raise my child in that negative light, I will give him the room to make his own decision, not my decision. I will be fair, even though things haven't always been fair, it doesn't give me a right to keep that chain going.

   This is a daily concern of mine. It eats away at my heart every day. I have heard everyone's opinion on it and then some. Honestly, if I heard one more opinion about it, I might scratch someones eyes out. You didn't walk down that road, you didn't open that door, you don't sit here alone. I know right!? Boo hoo. Damn right boo hoo! How does one man, whose father left him when he was born, grow to be the same exact man 41 years later? How does one man walk around daily and pretend nothing has happened? How does he lie to all those people? How does he sleep at night and go about his day letting people think he is a super dad to his other kids, that he is even remotely a good guy!      

    Every day. I suck it up. I put on a happy face. I fake it till I make it. Because I KNOW, it will be okay. It will be better than okay. Every day. I slip and I pick myself back up. It's not about me anymore...I am not SELFISH. And I am not a COWARD. Every day. I think it gets easier.