I'll bring the chips!

   
    There is no rhyme or reason to the order I may post things. It's difficult because there are a million and one things I want to say but I think some sort of organization is key. At least, it should be! This isn't a blog about the negative things that I've experienced during my pregnancy, it's about EVERYTHING I've experienced. Some days, it has been extremely challenging but most days it's been the most amazing adventure that I have ever been on!
    I don't think I have ever utilized Google as much as I have in the last several months. That search engine had become my partner during this, my confidant, my therapy. It might sound silly to some but I was grasping for answers that most people I know, had never gone through. No question, I have the support, I just didn't have that one person that I could relate to. Sure, I had some bits and pieces, friends who experienced being pregnant, friends who struggled financially, friends who in the long run became a single mom. However, what I was looking for, even Google was just giving me tidbits. It was up to me to fill in the spaces.
    I had LOTS of questions, LOTS of concerns and LOTS of urgency and VERY little answers. Now, that doesn't mean in the slightest way, that people didn't have their opinions, oh they very much did. I will tell you, it took every ounce of my being to not unleash my hormonal opinion back on them. People are unbelievable and yes, I know in their hearts they are just trying to be helpful and i am so grateful for how everyone has had my back but my goodness...walk a mile!
    Another thing that has really ruffled my feathers, are the sites that help you along your pregnancy, which I admit, I love. What I wasn't a fan of, was the automatic assumption of a father being in the picture. I understand that yes, there are many fathers that stick around and are there to support their unborn child. At the same time, there are many fathers that aren't around, regardless of them being overseas, maybe have passed away, maybe it's a surrogate or simply just not wanting to be there. So, when I would read these weekly updates from several different pregnancy pages, refering to "fathers", it would sting just ever so slightly. My partner through this whole experience was my mother, my strong, wonderully amazing mother! I think Jennifer Anistion had it right when she mentioned, "a sensitivity chip missing". Okay, yeah, maybe it was meant for Brad Pitt but in my world, it was relating to these "support" systems.

Heart strings.

    What's today? What's on my mind? As usual, SO much! In a few days, it will have been 5 months since Robert and I have spoken. It's getting easier. I think. My relationship ended with Robert the day we broke up, what tormented me was his decision to give up on our son. I tried, I made the effort, knowing how much him and I did not get along and we NEVER saw eye to eye, I put it all aside, I could do that because I thought it was important for Oliver. Nonetheless, Robert simply stated, "I want out, I don't want anything to do with this. I might change my mind in the future but right now, I can't. If you need anything though..."

   "If you need anything let me know." So I'll be sure to move and change my phone number, you know just so I can be available to you in your time of need. COWARD. That is one of the words I will be using in describing my ex, that and SELFISH. However, I do my best to not talk negatively about Robert, I leave that to my friends and family! I choose to be very careful with that because I do not want to fuel anger or animosity, I choose to not raise my child in that negative light, I will give him the room to make his own decision, not my decision. I will be fair, even though things haven't always been fair, it doesn't give me a right to keep that chain going.

   This is a daily concern of mine. It eats away at my heart every day. I have heard everyone's opinion on it and then some. Honestly, if I heard one more opinion about it, I might scratch someones eyes out. You didn't walk down that road, you didn't open that door, you don't sit here alone. I know right!? Boo hoo. Damn right boo hoo! How does one man, whose father left him when he was born, grow to be the same exact man 41 years later? How does one man walk around daily and pretend nothing has happened? How does he lie to all those people? How does he sleep at night and go about his day letting people think he is a super dad to his other kids, that he is even remotely a good guy!      

    Every day. I suck it up. I put on a happy face. I fake it till I make it. Because I KNOW, it will be okay. It will be better than okay. Every day. I slip and I pick myself back up. It's not about me anymore...I am not SELFISH. And I am not a COWARD. Every day. I think it gets easier.

In the beginning.

     I should start from the beginning, however, I'm not sure where that really begins. So, I'll begin with the day I peed on that little plastic stick. I just knew days before, deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ironically enough it was the Wednesday before that, when Robert and I broke up. It was the following Sunday that I snuck into my moms bathroom and came out with my entire world flipped upside down. And so I cried.

  Yep, I did, I cried uncontrollably, as I simply just placed the stick in front of my mom and then...I cried some more. I wasn't so much sad or scared,just emotional, I couldn't hold those tears back. After my mom reassured me that everything would be fine and things would work out, I scampered off to my room to collect myself. What would I do? How do I tell Robert? When do I tell my friends? The one thing I did know, I was keeping it. Nobody could tell me otherwise. So, I just balled my eyes out some more. I think I probably cried
that entire week.

  So, okay, this isn't a story about how I got pregnant and then I proceeded to just cry about it. It's my story about the lows and highs of my pregnancy. The decision to keep my child regardless of what my ex thought.(And he did not want me to!)It's about staying positive throughout all the icky confrontations with him and thereon after. About trying to get help through websites for single mothers, just so I didn't feel alone. Or trying to get some assistance through the state and the difficulties faced just trying to get by. Staying in school and keeping with work. It's about all the things I searched for but couldn't find during my 9 month haul to motherhood.

  I know, I'm not the only one on the planet that has gone through the scenarios and sitituations that I went through but for some reason...it was impossible to find tips and advice or just reassurance, when I looked for it. Grant it, i have wonderful family and friends that have helped me through this but when it comes to other peoples opinions, people that have never exactly gone through what you were enduring, it's very difficult to go home at the end of the day and just be okay. As a single pregnant women, you are constantly searching for answers, guidance, no wrong or right. Your laptop becomes your shoulder to lean on, even cry on.